pleine lune

Julia, a 20 y/o girl from stockholm, sweden. weak for pastries, old records and peaches. this is like a diary i write in once in a while when i feel the need to. tumblr: @pearlpill

i’d rather be a sparrow than a snail

Oh my, I haven’t written on here since august. I must have completely forgotten about this little safe space, as I do once in a while. It’s not that I haven’t had the need for it, I really have, but it’s as if it never existed in my mind. I read my last entry, and it seems like several forevers ago! Lots have changed, but in general it’s all still the same. Funny, isn’t it?
These photos are from two or three months ago – I apparently haven’t taken any photos of myself recently that I’ve decided were worth keeping. I don’t look drastically different, my fringe is slightly longer and I’m a bit more pale (if that’s even physically possible) with it having been autumn and now it being winter, and that is about all.

Since august I’ve begun a new course at university, literature, and am quite happy with it, since I do love reading and especially a lot of the classical novels, poetry, dramas etc. that are a part of the course. Although I do have to say that my true self lies with art, which I’ve decided (at least thats what my plan is at the moment) to major in.
I’ve also turned 20. It wasn’t something I looked forward to, at all actually, it rather frightened me, but I’ve come to accept that I do have to get older and can’t stay a teenager for the rest of my life. It’s just I walk through my life in a sort of floating and aimless way, and getting older becomes a little scary when you don’t have a plan or goal.

I haven’t been feeling bad as much as I do in the summertime, since autumn is the season in which I feel I truly belong in. I’ve been going for walks or looking out of the subway window admiring the season and feeling utmost full. I read Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights at the peak of autumn and felt even more full and vibrant, it’s one of my favorite books, I feel the atmosphere and darkness resonates with my soul. The windy, beautiful but merciless moors and all that. Now it’s snowing here, so autumn is over. What frightens me now is that everything is going to be good until christmas is over and then new years eve comes around, and then it’s january and february which feel like they last for eternities. It’s bleak, pointless sort of, it’s the second time of the year I feel the worst, usually. So that I’m dreading.

A playlist for the last couple of autumnal months (and the winter that has begun):

Lily Pond by Vashti Bunyan
Once I Was by Tim Buckley
Little Darlin’ by Benjamin Biolay
Trouble by Cat Stevens
Homesickness, pt 2 by Emahoy Tsegué-Maryam Guèbrou
Pense à Moi by France Gall
Suzanne by Francoise Hardy
Amelia by Joni Mitchell
Road by Nick Drake
El Condor Pasa by Simon & Garfunkel
How Soon Is Now by The Smiths
This Must Be the Place -by Talking Heads
I Want To Be Alone by Vashti Bunyan
Girlfriend In a Coma by The Smiths
Song To the Siren by Tim Buckley
And She Was by Talking Heads
Blues Run the Game by Jackson C. Frank
I Wonder by Sixto Rodriguez
Cemetery Gates by The Smiths
Lou by Coralie Clement
Golden Brown by The Stranglers
Fruit Tree by Nick Drake
Today by Jefferson Airplane
I’ll Be Your Mirror by The Velvet Underground

I will write again soon.

As always,
Julia

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my thoughts are many miles away

 

It’s already August. The summer has gone by fast, even though the middle of June seems like three lives ago or something hah.

Its been raining some today, it actually just stopped some minutes ago. So now everything is wet, battered and bruised but the evening sun is shining like as if to make up for the damage the heavy rainfall caused. I actually very much like rain and gloomy, grey weather so I’m quite happy with it but I’m sure I’d feel differently if I was a flower whose petals fall off with every rainfall. I’d be quite annoyed actually.

I keep a secret stack of old photos of me, my family, relatives, past pets – you know, everyone and everything that you usually have old photos of – in my drawer in my bed table and I take them out and look at them once in a while and I did that today and every time I do that I get kind of sad. It was better to be little, it was easier and happier and everyone was alive and not very old. It’s strange looking at photos from your childhood and many of the people in the pictures aren’t alive anymore. It’s such a strange and hard concept to grasp. It’s also odd to see how much people have changed, or not changed. Some people were happy back then and haven’t been for years now, some are just as cheery as they’ve always been. Hm. Weird.

A rainy- or gloomy- or weird- day playlist;

Kathy’s song – Simon & Garfunkel
Hey moon – John Maus
Blues run the game – Jackson C. Frank
Cloudy – Simon & Garfunkel
Today – Jefferson Airplane
I’ll be your mirror – The Velvet Underground
Suzanne – Leonard Cohen
Rose hip November – Vashti Bunyan
She smiled sweetly – The Rolling Stones
Big white cloud – John Cale
Time has told me – Nick Drake
Re: stacks – Bon Iver
A well respected man – The Kinks
Rain – Nick Drake
Lily pond – Vashti Bunyan
Gipsy – Fleetwood Mac
Milk & honey – Jackson C. Frank
Here before – Vashti Bunyan
Fakin’ it – Simon & Garfunkel

I’ll try to remember to write soon.

As always,
Julia

july, she will fly

 

 

Ah! I haven’t written in some weeks now! I finally went on me and my friends long awaited vacation that we’ve saved up for for a year and we went to a city by Croatia’s coast! It was so much fun and I’m filled only with love for my friends. We walked around an awful lot, visiting churches, cathedrals, buildings and architecture from the ancient roman empire and hiking in mountains while looking at the view and just sitting by the sea and watching the sun’s last rays dancing on the waves. And we ate a lot.
It was so fun and exciting. But it’s nice to be home again!

It’s raining outside. I love rain. I can’t wait for autumn. I’ve actually started playing christmas songs already.. Ah! And I cant wait for halloween! Spring and summer can be nice but it is the latter part of the year that I enjoy the most. I think especially in autumn I’m in my element, I’ve always felt that. I really wanna wear my autumn/winter coats, boots, neck and face buried in a warm and cozy scarf! And cool, fresh autumn air – ah!

I’m pretty tired so I’m going to end this entry with a playlist as always and then continue on drinking my tea.

Comme si comme ça-mood-playlist;
Kaliforniens guld – Ted Gärdestad
Maybe you’re right – Cat Stevens
April come she will – Simon & Garfunkel
I’d like to walk around in your mind – Vashti Bunyan
Moonlight – Safe Word
I hear the dead – Dolly Spartans
I’m so blue – CLAIRO & P.H.F.
Fakin’ it – Simon & Garfunkel
Ruby tuesday – The Rolling Stones (the instrumental ver. also!)
Venus in furs – The Velvet Underground
Lou – Coralie Clement
Here before – Vashti Bunyan
Come give me love – Ted Gärdestad

Hmm.
I’ll try to write soon.

As always,
Julia

she smiled sweetly

 

I don’t remember when I last wrote on here but it must have been many weeks! Time seems to have flown by and it’s already the latter part of June, and soon I’ll be going on a holiday with my friends! The weather has been, for the most part, quite warm and sunny but with a few times a week rain, cold winds and dark clouds, quite like my mood lately actually.

I think summer is such a beautiful time because everything in nature is so alive and vibrant, and people seem to be that as well, but it’s also when I tend to feel the worst, and I hate that. It’s so frustrating to see everything around you in bloom but yourself withering away being darker than ever, it’s discouraging. I think summer is beautiful, and the animals seem happier because it’s an easier time for them, plenty of food and warm weather! Yet I always find myself longing for autumn. I’ve always felt the most me, or felt the strongest bond to autumn, the sort of somber, sleepy yet stormy, and copper-like atmosphere that is. It’s cold, but it still feels warm and cozy and while it’s somber it’s still joyful in a way. Maybe I’m a bit biased, being born in November, but I feel November isn’t really autumn anyway? It’s some sort of transitioning month from autumn to winter, and it’s usually just dark, grey, wet and cold, just kind of dead, no orange leaves or anything.

Since my mood has been on the bad side lately, more than it has been for a couple of weeks, I’ve naturally gravitated to more calmer, somber, ethereal music, so now I’m listening to the album “Lookaftering” by Vashti Bunyan. My favorite song from that album is called “Here before”, and it’s so soothing, so serene. It feels like you’re floating gently, nowhere in particular, but perhaps in a dark, serene, moonlit, enchanted forest with mythical beings quietly lurking about. It’s so, so beautiful.

I’ve taken up reading again, after what feels like an eternity. I’ve always loved reading and losing myself in books, but the last couple of years I haven’t been able to concentrate on doing just that, and while I’ve been buying book after book from charity shops, I haven’t actually read almost any of them. It’s quite sad really, But the last week or two I’ve taken a chair and put it in the semi-shade in my garden and just read, hour after hour. So I’ve finished reading Agatha Christie’s “Murder Is Easy” (which is one of my favorite episodes of the tv-adaptions from the 2004- series, even if the tv-adaption is quite different from the actual book), and am now reading “Orlando” by Virginia Woolf, and I love it so far, it’s so beautifully written with so beautiful scenery, surroundings and descriptions of clothes, seasons, people, thoughts etc. Going back to Miss Marple, I hope to find “The Moving Finger” and “By The Pricking of My Thumbs” soon, because they are also amongst my favorites of the tv-adaptions, my favorite is probably actually “The Moving Finger”. Ah! I love Miss Marple!

Here’s a mini-playlist for my mood the past week:

Katmandu – Cat Stevens
Here before – Vashti Bunyan
Winter’s going – Bonnie Dobson
Trouble – Cat Stevens
Rose hip November – Vashti Bunyan
Sea song – Caedmon
She smiled sweetly – The Rolling Stones
Love song – Vashti Bunyan
Re: Stacks – Bon Iver
White march – Elena
Caribbean blue – Enya
Kathy’s song – Simon & Garfunkel
Rhymes of an hour – Mazzy Star
Which will – Nick Drake
Suzanne – Leonard Cohen
Heroin – The Velvet Underground
Lilywhite – Cat Stevens
April come she will – Simon & Garfunkel

I’ll try to remember to write soon.

As always,
Julia

like shells upon the shore

 

 

I have a headache. My dog is laying on the living room carpet fast asleep. I’m hungry. I’m tired. I wanna sleep.

It’s been beautiful weather here and a couple of days ago I could even walk around in a dress, barelegged and barefoot, since it was around 25°C. It’s been autumn weather until now and it’s been a bit discouraging to say the least. Flowers, bushes and trees has started to bloom and the birds are chirping away, bees and bumblebees (and wasps unfortunately) are buzzing about, the sun shines all day long, everyone is happy. All is groovy, to cite Simon & Garfunkel.

I’m gonna be home tomorrow and wednesday to write an essay thats due on wednesday and then I don’t have any classes until next week, so I’m happy, I’ve been so tired lately. My moods been wavering more then usual and I don’t know why,  but it’s tiresome really.

On saturday I’m going to meet all my friends to celebrate two birthdays that’s well over due (their birthdays were the 1:st of april and early in may) and I’m soooo looking forward to it! I miss all of them so much! I’ve ordered a book for each of them that I think suit their personalities; for the may-child I got her a book of selected poems by Karin Boye, one of my favorite poets that I think will suit my friend, and for my april-friend a book called “The Last Unicorn”, a (apparently, I haven’t read it, but it looks very interesting!) classic from 1968.

Anyways, here’s some songs I’ve listened to today;

All I Have To Do Is Dream – The Everly Brothers
Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall – Simon & Garfunkel
Strangers – The Kinks
Ain’t Nothing Like The Real Thing – Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Cloudy – Simon & Garfunkel
Love Hurts – The Everly Brothers
Here Comes My Baby – Cat Stevens
Into The Mystic – Van Morrison
The Dangling Conversation – Simon & Garfunkel
Everywhere – Fleetwood Mac
La Fille Avec Toi – Francoise Hardy
I’ll Be Your Mirror – The Velvet Underground
How Do You Feel – Jefferson Airplane
A Poem On The Underground Wall – Simon & Garfunkel
Get Off Of My Cloud – The Rolling Stones

 

I’ll try to remember to write soon.

As always,
Julia

she bangs the drums

 

I just got home from a long, forenoon walk with my dog in the oh so spring-y weather. We went the usual route through the neighborhood, down to and by the water, alongside the forest. It’s warm, sunny and breezy, I actually felt a bit sorry to my dog because she felt it to be a little too hot (she’s a bit unusual, she has her “winter coat” on in spring and  summer and sheds it in the winter when she actually needs it for some reason) and since she’s starting to get old the walk took twice as long as we had stop a lot so she could rest for a minute. Quite sad actually, I don’t want to think of her as old, since we all know what comes after old age.

Same with my maternal grandmother as well, its become very apparent now because she’s sold the house in which she and my grandfather when he was alive lived for a very long time, where my mother grew up, where I’ve grown up. She feels it’s too much for her, and she feels isolated. It’s quite upsetting really, because that was my favorite place to be, especially in the summer.
It’s a sweet villa built in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s by a family that cherished it a lot, and that planted a linden tree for every child they had, so there’s still four linden trees standing in bottom part of the garden, which moreover looks like a mix of a jungle and a beautiful English garden.
The house and garden is located in a slightly isolated area, with a large, living forest right behind it. My grandmother is a painter (as is my mother) and the house, garden and place where it is located is really a painter’s idyll. It is my idyll as well.
It’s a bit of a complicated situation, but I know she doesn’t want to move, it’s where she belongs; talking to the birds, the squirrels, the deers, all the busily buzzing bumblebees, the foxes, her cat. But she feels like she has to move.
What worries me as a likely scenario is that the buyer is going to look at the property in dollar signs (or “kronor”-signs hah) and run the house and garden down to sell the land. I truly hope it won’t happen, and that the buyer will cherish it as much as it has been by us, and the family that built and lived in it a hundred years ago. It’s a piece of history, and cultural heritage really. Aah, I hope it stays the same!

Anyway, I don’t have any lectures or seminars today or tomorrow, but instead have an essay to write, but I’m not too worried, it’s a rather short and simple one.

And I’ve been having slightly less melancholic episodes lately, I think the weather is helping, seeing nature taking a deep breath and blooming and all that. I’m also waiting patiently for some things I’ve ordered online to arrive, which should be pretty soon. You know I told you about my deep, eternal love for Miss Marple, right? And how I’ve got nowhere to watch it since the tv-subscription thing I watched it on earlier decided to pull it back? Well I solved it. I bought a dvd-set from Amazon that’s supposed to arrive in mid May with Geraldine McEwan as Miss Marple, as she is my favorite Marple!

Anyway #2, this is some songs suited for today’s weather:

Apple scruffs by George Harrison
You send me by Aretha Franklin
Sittin’ on a fence by The Rolling Stones
In love’s shadow by The Choir
Honey bones by Dope Lemon
Soleil by Francoise Hardy
How do you feel? by Jefferson Airplane
Jennifer juniper by Donovan
Tire swing by Kimya Dawson
Daydream by The Lovin’ Spoonful
Dancing in the street by The Mama’s and the Papa’s
Dream a little dream of me by Cass Elliott/The Mama’s and…
Time to pretend by MGMT
As tears go by by Nancy Sinatra
Hazy Jane (nr. 5) by Nick Drake
Learn how to fall by Paul Simon
Sittin’ on the dock of the bay by Otis Redding
She’s a rainbow by The Rolling Stones
She bangs the drums by The Stone Roses
Sugar town by Nancy Sinatra
Sweet thing by Van Morrison
4th time around by Bob Dylan
Oogum boogum song by Brenton Wood
My cherie amour by Stevie Wonder

I’m gonna go make some lunch now, and try keeping up my sunny mood.
I’ll try to remember to write soon.

As always,
Julia

maybe someday, i’ll share your little distant cloud

 

 

Aah it was such spring-weather today! Sunshine gently warming your cheeks, birds chirping in the trees, crocuses and other flowers of spring decorating the grass that is slowly recovering from the winter. I went on a long walk with my dog and the area where me and my dog walk around in is really very picturesque and the sunshine made the water glimmer and glitter and cooling breezes of ocean wind brushed through my hair. This sounds really corny. But really, it’s with nature I belong, on the shorelines, in the mountains and in the forests.

I’m currently home from uni because I’m supposed to be writing an essay that I’m supposed to turn in tomorrow, but me being the stupid procrastinator that I am I haven’t actually begun writing it. Even better, I realized about forty minutes ago that you’re supposed to take help from a book to write the essay, a book that I don’t have. Sooo I’m going to have to bullshit my way through this essay and hope no one notices (something that I have to admit is my only talent besides remembering random facts about the importance of pets for ancient roman families or something of a similar nature).

Mini playlist for my spring-y mood today:
Dream a little dream of me – The Mama’s and the Papa’s
You send me – Aretha Franklin
It ain’t me babe – Nancy Sinatra
Oogum boogum song – Brenton Wood (!)
Wonderin’ – The Squires
The 59th street bridge song (feelin’ groovy) – Simon & Garfunkel
Ode to the wind – Danny and the Counts
Share your love – Aretha Franklin
My cherie amour – Stevie Wonder (!)

Now I’m gonna enjoy my cup of tea and watch Poirot. My favorite is Miss Marple but they’ve removed the episodes from the tv subscription service from where I watched them before because the time limit they have for providing the series run out. I’m genuinely upset. Anyway..
I’ll write soon.

As always,
Julia

sun, sun, sun, here it comes

 

 

It’s already the end of March and soon the beginning of April, it’s gone by so quickly! Spring has started to blossom and now there’s crocuses everywhere, birds chirping in the trees and sunshine peeking through after what feels like an eternal sleep. Although, as of me writing this, it’s 2 degrees celsius and sleet (is this a correct translation? what I mean is snowy rain!). Typical swedish spring in other words! It alternates between sunshine and warmth and snow and coldness in a matter of days or in some cases even hours (!), and it can do so all the way through April. Very frustrating.

I’ve been feeling pretty ok the last couple of weeks, I think it’s the appearance of the sun and the reawakening of nature that helped me. When I go on walks with my dog around where I live I’m constantly stopping by crocuses and telling my dog to look at them! She either ignores me, tries to eat them or starts randomly barking at nothing to disrupt me because she finds it boring to stand still and wants to keep walking.

Something I’ve always pondered about from now and again is that I’ve always connected emotionally to music and songs sometimes in ways that would almost seem like I’ve experienced things in connection to them that I never actually have, like with some songs I get an overwhelming sense of nostalgia for something I’ve never experienced, odd isn’t it? Or is it common maybe? It could be because I’m a scorpio, since we along with water signs in general tend to be very empathetic and sensitive to emotional auras surrounding people and other creatures, it’s easy for us to connect on a deep emotional level with certain creative mediums, for scorpios it tends to be music.
I would consider myself a relatively rational or realistic person in many aspects but I do believe in astrology (in healthy measure!) and I find solace in it, and I’m really fascinated by it.

Here’s a mini spring-playlist of the songs that are most recently played in my music library!

Dream A Little Dream of Me – The Mama’s and the Papa’s
You Send Me – Aretha Franklin
Daydream – The Lovin’ Spoonful
Julia – The Beatles
The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy) – Simon & Garfunkel
Good Times (stereo ver.) – The Rolling Stones
Little Girl – The Illusions
Apple Scruffs – George Harrison
My Best Friend – Jefferson Airplane
Downtown – Marianne Faithfull
Blue Eyes – Don Partridge
On Se Plait – Françoise Hardy
Sweet Thing – Van Morrison

This was a really messy entry but that’s how my mind has been the last couple of days, but not a bad messy, just a light and airy messy! I’m going to go make some tea soon in time for The Great British Bake Off (I looooove that show!) and then read some before I go to sleep, I’ve been awfully tired these last couple of days.
I’ll try to remember to write soon.

As always,
Julia

the times they are a-changin’… too much

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Just recently, a day or two ago, I looked through my photos on my phone and computer and found these photos, dated from roughly 5 years ago til’ just a month or two ago, and I realized that while I’ve changed quite much both appearance wise and psychologically, I’ve also stayed virtually the same. Strange isn’t it? When I look at photos like the first one, that is from 5 years ago, I remember it so vividly, but yet it is so distant – like a dream that you can only remember bits and pieces from, but that you know happened.

What I can say is that I suit longer hair, haha. Will definitely not cut it for a long while.

I was only 14-15 in the first one or two photos, a baby! There was so much I didn’t know, and hadn’t experienced, but I feel I’m still that young, pondering, often times sad little 14 year old. She will always be in me, I think. I don’t really know why I’m so fascinated by this, the change and un-change times bring, I guess it’s a rather abstract yet unforgiving and matter-of-fact concept that I can’t really grasp.

Anyway, I don’t really have an aim with this entry, it’s rather pointless actually. Right now I’m sitting in my newly vacuumed room, listening to the Bryter Layter album by Nick Drake and looking at vintage prints and posters with botanical themes that I plan of framing and putting up in my room. I’ve found quite a few actually, but I can’t buy them all you know, for both practical and economical reasons… I should probably resume my botanical-print-search now.

As always,
Julia

i’ll be the wind, the rain and the sunset

 

It’s strange for me that it’s already March, I feel like everything is moving at a far too fast pace! I do want spring to come, but in a way these past two months has gone by like a whirlwind, even though I haven’t done too much. Strange.

My mood has gone up and down a lot recently and it’s been an awful lot at university and other things with me that have put me down and shifting me towards the bad path. I really miss my friends. I don’t get to meet them all too often since we live two hours away from each other but we always gather when it’s someones birthday (theres eight of us so it’s fairly often) or if we go out for dinner or go to the movies. We celebrated two birthdays just a week or two ago and it was as wonderful as it always is. We’re also planning on going to see the new Beauty and the Beast-movie soon so that I’m looking forward to, it was one of my favorite Disney-movies when I was a child, and now as well.
When I meet them after I’ve been feeling bad I’m filled with love and joy and I sometimes space out when we meet and just think about how much I love them and what beautiful people they are. I feel at home when I’m with them, like I belong somewhere. Now I miss them even more, but I’ll see them relatively soon so it’ll be ok.

Mood-playlist for the week:

America – Simon & Garfunkel
Lay lady lay – Bob Dylan
Goin’ back – The Byrds
April come she will – Simon & Garfunkel
Sleep on the left side – Cornershop
Femme fatale – The Velvet Underground & Nico
Marinade – Dope Lemon
心臓の扉 (Shinzo No Tobira) – Mariah
Fruit tree – Nick Drake
Golden brown – The Stranglers
A most peculiar man – Simon & Garfunkel
Which will – Nick Drake
Honey Bones – Dope Lemon
Your silent face – New Order
Asleep – The Smiths
I want to be alone – Vashti Bunyan
Strolling down the highway – Nick Drake
Satellite of love – Lou Reed

I’ll try to write soon.
As always,
Julia