pleine lune

Julia, a 20 y/o girl from stockholm, sweden. weak for pastries, old records and peaches. this is like a diary i write in once in a while when i feel the need to.

small hours

It’s been so long since I wrote on here, I didn’t even write on my birthday or for the entirety of November for that matter. But now I shall.

I turned 21 on the 19th of November, which made me feel old and ready for the coffin. I wasn’t finished with being 20, I really liked that age. It’s both young and stupid and grown up and mature all at once. Mostly stupid perhaps. Now I feel there will be higher expectations of me, which I don’t enjoy.

The weather has been all over the place here (and in other places I’ve seen in the news) and it snowed in the end of November and since December 1st it’s been incredibly misty, foggy, wet, dark and Wuthering Heights-like. I love that kind of weather (I don’t however like that the mist ruins my fringe) but since it is December ideally snow would be preferable. I mean we didn’t see the sun for over three weeks, there’s no difference between dusk and dawn, it’s dark all day. When there’s no snow it gets even darker. And gloomier. To combat this and get into the Christmas spirit we’ve decorated and played Christmas carols since the beginning of the month. I love Christmas, but it’s too short. After its over I just want it to be April right away, since especially January and February are particularly gloomy and blue for me. I think this must be true for everyone in Sweden or people that live in the north like me since the weather really puts you down. We don’t start seeing the sun until late March.

I’ve been very busy with writing my final thesis or final project or however you say it in English, for university. I’m analyzing and comparing three works of John William Waterhouse portraying different scenes out of the Tennyson poem “The Lady of Shalott” with the poem itself. It’s been going slow and it’s been difficult to write but I think it’s getting better, I mean I have to write 25-30 pages about it so I don’t have time for that. It’s due on January 8th. I love the three paintings and the poem very much and have done so for some time but still it’s difficult to get into the writing-mode. Maybe it’s the weather.

I’ve been going in and out of bad moods the last month of two, but it’s not been as frequent as it can be. I sometimes wish I could be rid of it but I at the same time feel like it’s a part of me and that I want it to stay with me forever. It’s become a comfort. I think it makes me more creative too, and empathetic. Two qualities I think is immensely important but humanity often times lack, especially the latter one.

Playlist:
I want to be alone by Jackson C. Frank
Mother big river by Jessica Pratt
Prism song by Julie Byrne
Moving by Kate Bush
Go where you wanna go by The Mama’s and the Papa’s
Blackbird by Nina Simone
Never had no one ever by The Smiths
Slip slidin’ away by Paul Simon
Coldest night of the year by Vashti Bunyan
Song to the siren by Tim Buckley
Grimasch on morgonen by Cornelis Vreeswijk
From the morning by Nick Drake
Rhymes of an hour by Mazzy Star
Stay alive by José Gonzaléz
Små lätta moln by Pugh Rogefeldt
Fire and rain by James Taylor
Crazy love vol II by Paul Simon
Trouble by Cat Stevens
Small hours by John Martyn

I’ll write soon.

As always,
Julia.

Advertisements

pink moon

 

It feels slightly surreal that it’s already the end of October, and that it really wasn’t long ago it was the beginning of September. Even though it’s just a month ago September and October feels so very much apart from each other by light years. Like it’s really three months or something.

I’m going to start writing my graduation essay, or however you say it in english, in two weeks. That feels surreal too, to be done with university by the middle of January. I still haven’t decided what my essay will be about but since it should be around thirty pages I’ll have to think of something immensely fascinating to keep me interested for these ten weeks and thirty pages… I have had some ideas, like something to do with Celtic or nordic mythology, pre-raphaelite motives, fairytales or folklore in paintings and things like that, but I haven’t really decided yet. But I should!

October is one of my favorite months with the Wuthering heights-weather, Halloween and dark evenings so I’ve been doing quite alright recently. I just think it’s so cozy, lighting a fire in the fireplace, drinking tea while watching Miss Marple, baking and eating pies of sorts. I’m also weak for the fashion during autumn… Ah, I love autumn.
It’s been pointed out to me by several different people that my birthday is coming soon, reminding me that I’m going to be twenty-one, something I’ve been in denial about since my last birthday. I hate getting older. I feel I’m not done being twenty, I need more time.

I don’t think I have more to write about currently, not anything I can remember.

Playlist for dark, windy autumn days and evenings:

Lazy calm by Cocteau Twins
End of the night by The Doors
Well I wonder by The Smiths
Mona by The Rolling Stones
I’m on fire by Bruce Springsteen
Autumn leaves by Eva Cassidy
Small hours by John Martyn
Crazy love by Paul Simon
Venus in furs by The Velvet Underground
Caribbean blue by Enya
Sunflower river blues by John Farley
Amelia by Joni Mitchell
Before I sleep by Mazzy Star
Pink moon by Nick Drake
How soon is now by The Smiths
Road by Nick Drake

I’ll write soon.

As always,
Julia.

lazy calm

 

It’s almost 6 pm here when I’m writing this. I feel I’m more inspired to write and create at this time of day, in the afternoon and early evening. It’s dark outside now.

It’s really autumn now, weather wise I mean, and I love it so much. I feel most content and full during autumn, and most connected to nature. Where I live its quite picturesque  and close to both water and forests (and gardens and an old mansion which is still well taken care of) so I usually take my dog with me for long, long walks around. I just love everything about autumn; the smell, the acorns and chestnuts (I love them and collect them every autumn) the winds, the mushrooms, the colours, the cold and crisp air, the clothes (layers upon layers) – everything. I sometimes wish I could “pause” it or make it longer so I could appreciate and live in it longer. That would be nice.

I re-read “Wuthering heights” every autumn since I feel it captures the emotions or the essence of autumn and the autumn winds, the autumn mind, and the autumn landscape so perfectly. Right now I’m reading “The miniaturist” but I’ll be finished with it soon. I actually discovered the book through the BBC television adaption of it, which I love very, very much. It’s very much my aesthetic and it appeals to me not only with the heavy use of velvet but with the baroque era and the visuals of that as a whole. It’s also a very powerful and tragic (does this count as a spoiler?) story, but with humor as well. Very much my cup of tea.
There are lots of books I want to read but I want to read them all at once! I have so many books all over my room and eight on my bedside table waiting to be read… But I don’t like to rush through books without really taking in the words fully, because what’s the point then? You might as well not read the book.

In later years I’ve come to appreciate and take interest in certain things, for example my family history, heritage and what have you. I want to know so much about my maternal great grandmother who was Sámi and my maternal great grandfather who, like my grandmother and mother, was a painter. I would want to see his paintings, drawings. I know that he begilded (I had to look this word up in English so I might be using it wrongly) the royal court carriages, which my grandmother is very proud of. I would want to ask my great grandmother about lots of things too, since she had a quite different and not always so easy background and upbringing. I’m hanging up my grandmothers paintings, reading old books from my childhood and playing my grandfathers records, maybe so I could feel closer to him or feel his presence even if he’s not here anymore. It’s very good music too, since he had good taste (and since he was a musician)! When I was younger I didn’t reflect or ponder as much about things like these but I guess that’s only natural.

A close friend of mine just moved to London to study at university and work and the rest of my friend group (we call ourselves “the gang”…) are planning on visiting her sometime maybe next year, and we might go to Scotland too! I’ve wanted to visit Scotland for a long time. I feel the landscape, climate and overall feel of it appeals to me. We also want to go because we love Harry Potter… And I want some Slytherin merch.

I think I’ll end this entry here.

A playlist for golden September:
Lazy calm by Cocteau Twins
Re:stacks by Bon Iver
Fields of gold by Eva Cassidy
Suzanne by Francoise Hardy
End of the night by The Doors
Three hours by Nick Drake
Wash by Bon Iver
Scarborough fair by Simon & Garfunkel
Visa från Utanmyra by Jan Johansson
Blackbird by Nina Simone
Pale blue eyes by The Velvet Underground
I want to be alone by Vashti Bunyan
Blues run the game by Jackson C. Frank
Julia by The Beatles
The dangling conversation by Simon & Garfunkel
Sleep on the left side by Cornershop
I’ll be your mirror by The Velvet Underground
Song for Zula by Phosphorescent
Love will tear us apart by Jose Gonzalez
My baby just cares for me by Nina Simone
I’ll find my way home by Vangelis and Jon Anderson
Thoughts of rain by Nick Drake
Back to the old house by The Smiths
Venus in furs by The Velvet Underground
And the “Graceland” album by Paul Simon as a whole to be honest.

I’ll write soon.

As always,
Julia.

some are born to endless night

 

I don’t know why I have a drunken blush in these photos, apart from the the cheek blush that comes artificially. Also I look really bad, but these were the only new ones I had of me.

It’s finally September, and I begin university tomorrow again, and this will be one of my last courses before I intend to graduate. I know friends that will be in university at least five more years, and I applaud them for their bravery and patience, but mine is running out. I want to be finished with school, since I have never really had a break from it, and work. Although it scares me a bit too. I have worked before, so it’s not really the work itself that scares me, but I guess it’s letting go of a routine or reality that I’ve held on to for a long time. I’m only 20 (21 in November), so I know it’s not too late for me or anything, but that’s what my brain tells me. It feels like my peers are in a more advanced level in their lives, while I’m stuck. I know this isn’t true, but that’s what my anxious and blue mind tells me about everything, to be honest. It doesn’t matter what I do or how much experience I acquire in fields of work, university or friends, my mind erases that and keeps on telling me that I don’t have anything. It’s saddening (and maddening).

Something else that I’ve carried with me for a long time that I rarely ever speak of, my closest friends know, is that I don’t have a particularly good relationship with my father. I don’t think I want to in detail write out the whole story, but he was away a lot with his work (he’s a pilot) when I was little leaving my mother to care for me and later on my brother basically all alone with help from no one while still working full time, and our personalities don’t go well together. He irritates and angers me and sometimes I want to cry when I see girls that hug or laugh with their fathers. Because it hurts. When I was little I wanted his attention and affection, but now I don’t even want to try to mend things or make things better. I think that I get fixated and fascinated with photos of young fathers and daughters that have a good relationship, since I don’t have that. It’s both embarrassing and pathetic when I think about it. Maybe I’m just immature. It’s just that I’ve learned more about his bad sides as I’ve gotten older, and that has pushed me away further.

I feel very lonely these days. Lonely and full to the brim with things I can’t let out to someone. You have to get something back too sometime, right? I feel like I’m no one and nothing. I’ve accomplished nothing, no one will remember me for anything. I won’t do anything, so don’t worry, but that’s how I’ve felt for a long, long time. Like I’m a wind that gently blows around but can’t be seen and can’t talk. Like maybe I don’t really exist.

Playlist:
Frenesi by Artie Shaw
Lazy calm by Cocteau Twins
That’s the way by Led Zeppelin
Which will by Nick Drake
End of the night by The Doors
Week end à Rome by Etienne Daho
Mighty Quinn by Manfred Mann
L’amour looks something like you by Kate Bush
Song to the siren by Tim Buckley
Julia dream by Pink Floyd
Under African skies by Paul Simon
Rhymes of an hour by Mazzy Star
Golden brown by The Stranglers
Caribbean blue by Enya
Le premier bonheur du jour by Francoise Hardy
The wind by Cat Stevens
Re:stacks by Bon Iver
Fields of gold by Eva Cassidy
Chopin’s Nocturne’s by Brigitte Engineer
Concertino bianco in C major by Georgs Pelecis

I’ll write soon.

As always,
Julia.

i wish i had a river i could skate away on

Hmm. It’s been some time.

I hadn’t realized how long time it was since I last wrote on here. A lot has happened in these four months and at the same time not much has changed. I’m on summer break from university but will continue my studies in art history/science in late August. In May me and my family visited San Fransisco and in June we went to vacation in Spain, like we usually do.  I’ve worked some at a kindergarten near me and all the while it’s been a terrible heatwave not just in Sweden but in Europe as a whole, and it’s been devastating on nature most of all. There has never been so many and so powerful forest fires in Sweden as it has been during the last month. So sad to think about people whose lands and crops get destroyed, but even more so the animals living in the forests, there’s so many babies right now too from spring. So, so horrible.

I’ve been feeling quite alright recently but June was more difficult for me, but now not all too much of the summer is left and that makes me feel better, since I often get worse during summer. It’s been okay this time around though, which is nice. I’m a November baby, I’m not made for the summer heat and restlessness!

I’ve been thinking of my maternal grandfather some for a while and I miss him quite a bit. It’s sad because he passed away at my worst, so I feel I never really got to show him my appreciation enough, like I wanted to ask and talk about so much more. He was a very interesting person you see, a musician. His birthday was on the 26th of November, exactly a week after mine. He was very humorous and sociable (he was a Sagittarius after all). He was a firm believer in justice and equality. He had glasses, all his four children including my mother inherited his bad eyesight (I’ve got my grandmothers hawk-vision). He spoke good English considering where and when he was born. He often wore dark brown manchester trousers with a handsome jacket and tie. He smoked a pipe and always smelled of tobacco. His passion was jazz and playing jazz-oriented instruments, he was very gifted musically. He also liked blues and Swedish traditional folk music. He had a band with some friends that performed here and there, until he died, they even recorded an album. When I would visit my grandparents big artist’s villa in the forest I would often hear him playing the saxophone, clarinet or harmonica. He was very kind but could also be mischievous. He loved Blondie’s “Heart of glass”. He was close to 2 metres tall, a contrast to my half sámi grandmother who is 1,47 cm tall. He was handsome, looked sort of like a handsome detective in a 1940’s film. He had pure blue eyes, almost like ice, and brown, very curly hair.
When he died a lot went wrong in the family and I would have liked to have just one of his instruments, since it captured his very essence, he was a part of it, but they were all sold because of certain people and events. I would have liked to have something that meaningful to him to remember him by, you know.

Sometimes I feel closed off to people around me, I think. I’m the kind of person that can show warmth and love to the people I love and trust, but no one really, truly knows me. I don’t share my entire soul to people, since I have a fear of being vulnerable and people knowing too much about me. But it would be nice to have one person that knew every bit of me, so I could be at ease. I’ve always been secretive about myself and what I feel and even trivial things like what I like or am passionated about. It gets quite tiring after a while. I blame it on being a Scorpio with a Capricorn-dominated birth chart.

 

Playlist for mixed-moods:

Free advice by The Great Society
The cedar room by Doves
Visa från Utanmyra by Jan Johansson (a Swedish jazz classic)
This woman’s work by Kate Bush
Sweet green fields by Seals & Crofts
I guess I’m just a little too sensitive by Orange Juice
Fri som en vind by Lill Lindfors
Le premier bonheur du jour by Francoise Hardy
Raspberry beret by Prince
The wind by Cat Stevens
River by Joni Mitchell
Cherry coloured funk by Cocteau Twins
Somliga går med trasiga skor by Cornelis Vreeswijk
Me and Michael by MGMT
Petite fleur by Sidney Bechet (one of my grandfathers favorite artists)
Blues run the game by Jackson C. Frank
Eyes on fire by The Blue Foundation
Rhymes of an hour by Mazzy Star
Nocturnal me by Echo & the Bunnymen
Week-end à Rome by Étienne Daho
The girl with the flaxen hair by Debussy

I’ll write soon.

As always,
Julia.

somewhere on my own

 

It’s already March. I haven’t written in a while.

Sometimes I’ve felt like I wanted to write on here but then my will for doing that would just float away or I felt too stressed to try to organize my thoughts. Which is ironic, since I created this place for myself for when I am, amongst other states of minds, stressed and anxious.

I’ve had a lot with university, exams needed to be written and handed in in far too much quantity than that I’m used to. I’ve had thoughts about maybe taking a break hovering around in my head. I don’t know what to do, really. But it will sort itself out eventually, I know that, it’s just that things like these make my anxiety increase and I start having bad thoughts. I know that some people don’t really understand it, they would think that I’m overreacting, and they’re not wrong really, because that’s how anxiety works! I wish I could be more relaxed about a lot of things for my own mental health but I’ve always since I was little worried a lot, even though most people around me don’t know that, since I’m so private with my emotions. Most people think I’m very laid back actually, and it’s strange because I am at the same time that I’m not.

Anyway, on to other more vibrant things, a couple of weeks ago I went to see “Call me by your name” with my friend. It was in a smaller movie theater so it felt both uncomfortable and fascinating at the same time, since it’s a very influencing and powerful (emotionally) film. Sitting in such an intimate movie theater when watching a film like this one was strange, but interesting, like you could see everyones faces and emotions while watching the film. I loved the film very much. I think that even though most of the film was joyous, there was always an underlaying sense of sadness, but I guess that is common with that topic. It seems that things concerning that theme are often sad, since we live in a, in many ways, close hearted society. The film really seeped through me and inside of me, some films do that to you, right? I can’t relate to the film in a direct way, but that shouldn’t keep you from being able to put yourself in their shoes and see things from their eyes and feel with their heart. It shouldn’t matter, really. However, it seems that some people can’t be compassionate and empathetic towards certain people until they’ve been where they’ve been or seen what they’ve seen. It shows a lot, especially with the way politics are going nowadays (not that it’s ever been that great though).
Anyway, the film made me really long for spring and summer, which both seem too far away here in Sweden. It is such a beautiful film not only with the topic and theme of it and how that is approached, but also the cinematography and scenery and everything else! The soundtrack is amazing too! Ah! I recommend it!

Tomorrow I’m going to Nationalmuseum (an art museum in Stockholm which houses a big collection of famous art works) for an on-field seminar with a part of my study group, which will be exciting. On the way home I’m going to stop by a cemetery close to the subway station I get off at to do some investigating about a duck! It’s a long story but I’m very worried about that duck (“mallard” maybe is the correct word?) and I need to see that what I said to myself happened didn’t actually happen and that I imagined the worst case scenario yet again!

A playlist as of recent:

Lo boob oscillator by Stereolab
Flickan i Havanna by Lill Lindfors
Bleecker’s street by Simon & Garfunkel
I want to be alone by Vashti Bunyan
This must be the place by Talking Heads
Strolling down the highway by Nick Drake
Waterfall by The Stone Roses
Some girls are bigger than others by The Smiths
Fakin’ it by Simon & Garfunkel
You ain’t seen nothing yet by Bachman Turner Overdrive
Mystery of love by Sufjan Stevens
Nothing can stop us by Saint Etienne
I’ll be your mirror by The Velvet Underground
Trouble by Cat Stevens
Visions of Gideon by Sufjan Stevens

I’ll write soon.

As always,
Julia.

touched the moon

 

 

I don’t usually write this late at night (it’s 11:30pm) because I feel like writing in the late afternoons is more therapeutic for me but I felt like writing now, and so I shall!

It’s been rather annoying weather here in Stockholm lately; it snows and gets dry and a day or two later it gets warmer and the snow melts away and then during the night it gets colder and the half melted snow freezes up again making it impossible to go anywhere without slipping and breaking your neck. This also creates a problem for the buses and subway because SL (the organization running all of the land based public transport systems in Stockholm) somehow always forget what snow is and how to deal with it every year so everything is always late. Hmm, I hope spring comes soon.
The sun is coming out more now though, so I have hope.

Also I think I look mean in photos, or harsh, and I’m really not! I mean, I AM a scorpio so I have a smaaaaaaall natural evil streak but it’s only towards people that deserves it! I used to really dislike my facial features when I was younger because I thought I looked too angular and unapproachable, and I blamed mostly my cheekbones for it. I used to really dislike them, because no one around me in school or my relatives or friends had them! I’ve learned to tame them a little with my fringe but sometimes they get a bit overwhelming hah. My mother always told me they came from my Sámi side (my maternal grandmother is half Sámi and she shares my cheekbones!) which I didn’t really listen to until I was older. I don’t know if they really are from my Sámi side as my mother’s always said but if they are I’m very proud. Quite fittingly there is a newly released film from 2017 that’s won awards and been at various film festivals that is about Sámi people and what, amongst others, Sweden put them through and to a certain degree still does today. It’s called “Sameblod” (Sámi blood”). I do want to watch it someday.

Oh, I’ve also begun my part two of my art course and I just handed in an essay/exam this tuesday. I have another one coming up in a couple of weeks but until then I have some freedom! People always ask me what I’m going to do with a bachelor in art/art science and it would be wonderful if I could someday end up at one of the national museums in Stockholm, or maybe in a museum in another country. It’s maybe a little idealistic but I’ve always loved museums so so much and felt them to be very calming so to work in one would be very dreamy. It seems like such a calming and visual work place, surrounded my old, beautiful paintings or artifacts of different kinds, it seems so exciting too!

The moon was beautiful last night, so full and big. I love the moon. She’s my comfort.

I’m quite tired so I’ll end this entry here but I’m going to write soon because I have lots on my mind lately!

A little mini-playlist for the last week or so:

Bleecker’s Street by Simon & Garfunkel
Lady Bird by Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood
Katmandu by Cat Stevens
Crosses by José González
Farewell Angelina by Bob Dylan
Irene by Twin Peaks
Ice by Fake Laugh
Big White Cloud by John Cale
On Se Plait by Francoise Hardy
Just Another Diamond Day by Vashti Bunyan
Flickan I Havanna by Lill Lindfors
This Must Be The Place by Talking Heads
Northern Sky by Nick Drake
Here Before by Vashti Bunyan

Now I’m going to read a little in “The Lord of the Rings” before I sleep. It calms me down.
I’ll write soon.

As always,
Julia

asleep

 

It’s the 3rd of January. Already.
It’s so strange that I will have to write 2018 whenever I’m going to date something now, and I don’t like it because I’m so bad at doing written “eights”! How annoyed I am going to be this year!

I spent my New Years Eve with my friends for some hours before I headed home. Although I dislike New Years Eve (with burning passion!) I had a wonderful time and we exchanged (late) christmas presents, played beer-pong (I’m notoriously uninterested and bad in sports and not even this I was good at – let’s just say I wasn’t thirsty afterwards), ate good food, talked, complained about work or school (or people and the world in general) and, you know, the usual.
My dog is absolutely terrified of fireworks, thunder and loud bangs, and I always get so so worried that the panic will be too much for her aging heart. Luckily, this year, for some reason, there wasn’t as much fireworks and such as it usually is where I live. I hope it stays like that. Fireworks are very pretty, but a very scary thing for animals and extremely harmful to not only humans and animals, but also the environment.

I have my last class for this literature course tomorrow followed by a final examination and then I start my art course on the 15th. This is the follow-up course to the one I took in the spring of last year, and I will have to study two more to get qualified I think.
As I’ve mentioned before, my current plan is to major in art. I’m excited and anxious.
Like always.

My mood has been cloudy the last week or so. It’s what usually happens to me at the end of the year and the beginning of a new one. January is an especially difficult month for me. It’s just always grey in my mind, like a reflection of how it looks outside. Bleak, grey, dead, wet, cold. There is no joy in nature in January, it feels like. There isn’t any snow either, so it’s just dark and lifeless. The sun never really comes up, and it’s pitch black by three in the afternoon. I think everyone just walks around in a daze or some sort of sleep in January, I don’t think people are really alive and awake. I think we really start to awake in late February, when the sun comes back.
And I think that in December there is so much vibrancy and things happening in a short period of time; there is the preparation for christmas, christmas itself, then there is preparation for New Years Eve, then New Years Eve come, and then, just like that, there is nothing. I think it leaves one feeling empty and hollow.

To sort of combat this not very joyful time I’ve turned to the illustrations I love the most, and Elsa Beskow is my favorite. She was a Swedish illustrator, mostly for childrens books. I grew up reading her books and they are so beautiful, I wish I could have a talent for drawing as she had. You’d think that the daughter of a painter (who is the daughter of a painter, who is the daughter of a painter…) would have some automatic gift for drawing without having to try, but I don’t seem to. I’ve been complimented on it, but I’m not special by any means. I haven’t truly tried to explore and develop my drawing abilities, but I thought to myself that I’m going to try this year. I’m going to draw what I feel like drawing, paint what I feel like painting. I think it could be great for my mind!
To return to her books, my favorite books of hers are Sagan om den lilla hinden (“The tale of the little hind/deer”) and Blomsterfesten i Täppan (“The flowers’ festival”). They are so dreamy, peaceful, beautiful and well written. The first one I listed is my absolute favorite and if I ever have a daughter, I’ve always wanted to name her Rosalind after the girl in the book.

Well this was a rather bleak and uninspiring entry! It lightened up slightly in the end but that’s just me trying to survive through this grey, cold and lifeless time! I’ll try to think as if the sun has returned.

Some songs for this bleak time:

Maybe by Ricewine
Which will by Nick Drake
Re: Stacks by Bon Iver
Wonderwall by Cat Power
Katmandu by Cat Stevens
Holy smoke by Vashti Bunyan
The wolves by Bon Iver
White march by Elena
Fruit tree by Nick Drake
Hey moon by John Maus
Sea of love by Cat Power
Elizabeth my dear by The Stone Roses
Song for Zula by Phosphorescent
Crosses by Jose Gonzalez
Kathy’s song by Simon & Garfunkel
Rhymes of an hour by Mazzy Star
Saturday sun by Nick Drake
Pale blue eyes by The Velvet Underground
Asleep by The Smiths
Song to the siren by Tim Buckley
Here before by Vashti Bunyan

I’ll write soon when I feel the need to.

As always,
Julia

trouble, please be kind

 

 

Christmas has come, christmas has gone.
I wanted to write on the 24th but being with my very large quantity of family/relatives both that day and the day after, I was far too tired to even put a sentence together.
I love christmas, so so much, but it’s too short of a holiday, we only celebrate it for two, three days. And then, just like that, it’s over. It’s such a vibrant and joyful holiday for me, but I despise the time after it, actually, I despise it until the end of March, when the weather and nature starts to lighten up. You see, it usually doesn’t snow much here until January-February (when you don’t appreciate it as much) and it’s cold, grey, dark and wet until the end of March. As I’ve said before, it’s this time when I feel the most awful. So I can’t wait to get to spring. The crocuses and snowdrops start to bloom, the birds start singing, nature takes a deep breath.

I’m feeling anxious about New Years Eve too, I despise that day and especially the day after to the core of my being! I’m “celebrating” with my friends, whom I love, but it gives me so much anxiety and my mind gets a dark blanket drawn over it. It stays like that, as I’ve said too many times already, until spring.

Right now I’m sitting in my candlelit room, on the floor with my back resting on my radiator and hearing rain tapping softly against my window, against the trees, against the fence, against the ground. It’s dark outside. It’s serene. I love rain very much, it’s very comforting, isn’t it? Except for when I’m out and about and my fringe gets wet and therefore spoiled.

I can’t believe (it’s not butter) that it’s going to be 2018 soon! Another year has passed, and when you think about it now it feels like its gone by the blink of an eye, but upon reflection, I have done many things this year, but it now seems like forever ago. I wonder what I’ll be up to during the next year? Probably not something all too drastic if I would guess. I’m really, truly going to try to bloom this coming year, I so much want to. I don’t want to feel stuck as I’ve felt every other year, I want to be moving, slowly but steadily, and I want to be happy, at least more than I’m not. I’m really going to try.
And I’m going to use this blog, as I’ve done, to clear up my mind and feel light and airy! Since I never tell anyone what’s going on inside my mind or what I feel deepest down, it’s so very liberating to be able to write it out, so that it’s out, so that it’s said, so that it is not only inside my mind, and therefore exists.

I feel better now. I know that this blog isn’t a person, but if it would I would say “I love you!”, because I do! Light, airy…

Playlist for my current setting and surroundings:

Song to the siren by Tim Buckley
Suzanne by Francoise Hardy
Love will tear us apart by Jose Gonzalez
Irene by Twin Peaks
Which will by Nick Drake
Song for Zula by Phosphorescent
Trouble by Cat Stevens
Femme fatale by The Velvet Underground
Norwegian wood by The Beatles
Lou by Coralie Clement
Di dooh dah by Jane Birkin
Rhymes of an hour by Mazzy Star
These days by Nico
Sea of love by Cat Power
Asleep by The Smiths
I want to be alone by Vashti Bunyan
Fast car by Tracy Chapman
1966 by Moon Tides

I will write soon.

As always,
Julia

i’d rather be a sparrow than a snail

Oh my, I haven’t written on here since august. I must have completely forgotten about this little safe space, as I do once in a while. It’s not that I haven’t had the need for it, I really have, but it’s as if it never existed in my mind. I read my last entry, and it seems like several forevers ago! Lots have changed, but in general it’s all still the same. Funny, isn’t it?
These photos are from two or three months ago – I apparently haven’t taken any photos of myself recently that I’ve decided were worth keeping. I don’t look drastically different, my fringe is slightly longer and I’m a bit more pale (if that’s even physically possible) with it having been autumn and now it being winter, and that is about all.

Since august I’ve begun a new course at university, literature, and am quite happy with it, since I do love reading and especially a lot of the classical novels, poetry, dramas etc. that are a part of the course. Although I do have to say that my true self lies with art, which I’ve decided (at least thats what my plan is at the moment) to major in.
I’ve also turned 20. It wasn’t something I looked forward to, at all actually, it rather frightened me, but I’ve come to accept that I do have to get older and can’t stay a teenager for the rest of my life. It’s just I walk through my life in a sort of floating and aimless way, and getting older becomes a little scary when you don’t have a plan or goal.

I haven’t been feeling bad as much as I do in the summertime, since autumn is the season in which I feel I truly belong in. I’ve been going for walks or looking out of the subway window admiring the season and feeling utmost full. I read Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights at the peak of autumn and felt even more full and vibrant, it’s one of my favorite books, I feel the atmosphere and darkness resonates with my soul. The windy, beautiful but merciless moors and all that. Now it’s snowing here, so autumn is over. What frightens me now is that everything is going to be good until christmas is over and then new years eve comes around, and then it’s january and february which feel like they last for eternities. It’s bleak, pointless sort of, it’s the second time of the year I feel the worst, usually. So that I’m dreading.

A playlist for the last couple of autumnal months (and the winter that has begun):

Lily Pond by Vashti Bunyan
Once I Was by Tim Buckley
Little Darlin’ by Benjamin Biolay
Trouble by Cat Stevens
Homesickness, pt 2 by Emahoy Tsegué-Maryam Guèbrou
Pense à Moi by France Gall
Suzanne by Francoise Hardy
Amelia by Joni Mitchell
Road by Nick Drake
El Condor Pasa by Simon & Garfunkel
How Soon Is Now by The Smiths
This Must Be the Place -by Talking Heads
I Want To Be Alone by Vashti Bunyan
Girlfriend In a Coma by The Smiths
Song To the Siren by Tim Buckley
And She Was by Talking Heads
Blues Run the Game by Jackson C. Frank
I Wonder by Sixto Rodriguez
Cemetery Gates by The Smiths
Lou by Coralie Clement
Golden Brown by The Stranglers
Fruit Tree by Nick Drake
Today by Jefferson Airplane
I’ll Be Your Mirror by The Velvet Underground

I will write again soon.

As always,
Julia