pleine lune

i'm julia, 19 y/o and from stockholm, sweden. this is an on-and-off cyber diary, sometimes i forget about it for some time, and then i find my way back here. it's sort of a safe space for me, a calm space. i don't know what else to write, so i'll just stop myself here.

she smiled sweetly

 

I don’t remember when I last wrote on here but it must have been many weeks! Time seems to have flown by and it’s already the latter part of June, and soon I’ll be going on a holiday with my friends! The weather has been, for the most part, quite warm and sunny but with a few times a week rain, cold winds and dark clouds, quite like my mood lately actually.

I think summer is such a beautiful time because everything in nature is so alive and vibrant, and people seem to be that as well, but it’s also when I tend to feel the worst, and I hate that. It’s so frustrating to see everything around you in bloom but yourself withering away being darker than ever, it’s discouraging. I think summer is beautiful, and the animals seem happier because it’s an easier time for them, plenty of food and warm weather! Yet I always find myself longing for autumn. I’ve always felt the most me, or felt the strongest bond to autumn, the sort of somber, sleepy yet stormy, and copper-like atmosphere that is. It’s cold, but it still feels warm and cozy and while it’s somber it’s still joyful in a way. Maybe I’m a bit biased, being born in November, but I feel November isn’t really autumn anyway? It’s some sort of transitioning month from autumn to winter, and it’s usually just dark, grey, wet and cold, just kind of dead, no orange leaves or anything.

Since my mood has been on the bad side lately, more than it has been for a couple of weeks, I’ve naturally gravitated to more calmer, somber, ethereal music, so now I’m listening to the album “Lookaftering” by Vashti Bunyan. My favorite song from that album is called “Here before”, and it’s so soothing, so serene. It feels like you’re floating gently, nowhere in particular, but perhaps in a dark, serene, moonlit, enchanted forest with mythical beings quietly lurking about. It’s so, so beautiful.

I’ve taken up reading again, after what feels like an eternity. I’ve always loved reading and losing myself in books, but the last couple of years I haven’t been able to concentrate on doing just that, and while I’ve been buying book after book from charity shops, I haven’t actually read almost any of them. It’s quite sad really, But the last week or two I’ve taken a chair and put it in the semi-shade in my garden and just read, hour after hour. So I’ve finished reading Agatha Christie’s “Murder Is Easy” (which is one of my favorite episodes of the tv-adaptions from the 2004- series, even if the tv-adaption is quite different from the actual book), and am now reading “Orlando” by Virginia Woolf, and I love it so far, it’s so beautifully written with so beautiful scenery, surroundings and descriptions of clothes, seasons, people, thoughts etc. Going back to Miss Marple, I hope to find “The Moving Finger” and “By The Pricking of My Thumbs” soon, because they are also amongst my favorites of the tv-adaptions, my favorite is probably actually “The Moving Finger”. Ah! I love Miss Marple!

Here’s a mini-playlist for my mood the past week:

Katmandu – Cat Stevens
Here before – Vashti Bunyan
Winter’s going – Bonnie Dobson
Trouble – Cat Stevens
Rose hip November – Vashti Bunyan
Sea song – Caedmon
She smiled sweetly – The Rolling Stones
Love song – Vashti Bunyan
Re: Stacks – Bon Iver
White march – Elena
Caribbean blue – Enya
Kathy’s song – Simon & Garfunkel
Rhymes of an hour – Mazzy Star
Which will – Nick Drake
Suzanne – Leonard Cohen
Heroin – The Velvet Underground
Lilywhite – Cat Stevens
April come she will – Simon & Garfunkel

I’ll try to remember to write soon.

As always,
Julia

like shells upon the shore

 

 

I have a headache. My dog is laying on the living room carpet fast asleep. I’m hungry. I’m tired. I wanna sleep.

It’s been beautiful weather here and a couple of days ago I could even walk around in a dress, barelegged and barefoot, since it was around 25°C. It’s been autumn weather until now and it’s been a bit discouraging to say the least. Flowers, bushes and trees has started to bloom and the birds are chirping away, bees and bumblebees (and wasps unfortunately) are buzzing about, the sun shines all day long, everyone is happy. All is groovy, to cite Simon & Garfunkel.

I’m gonna be home tomorrow and wednesday to write an essay thats due on wednesday and then I don’t have any classes until next week, so I’m happy, I’ve been so tired lately. My moods been wavering more then usual and I don’t know why,  but it’s tiresome really.

On saturday I’m going to meet all my friends to celebrate two birthdays that’s well over due (their birthdays were the 1:st of april and early in may) and I’m soooo looking forward to it! I miss all of them so much! I’ve ordered a book for each of them that I think suit their personalities; for the may-child I got her a book of selected poems by Karin Boye, one of my favorite poets that I think will suit my friend, and for my april-friend a book called “The Last Unicorn”, a (apparently, I haven’t read it, but it looks very interesting!) classic from 1968.

Anyways, here’s some songs I’ve listened to today;

All I Have To Do Is Dream – The Everly Brothers
Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall – Simon & Garfunkel
Strangers – The Kinks
Ain’t Nothing Like The Real Thing – Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Cloudy – Simon & Garfunkel
Love Hurts – The Everly Brothers
Here Comes My Baby – Cat Stevens
Into The Mystic – Van Morrison
The Dangling Conversation – Simon & Garfunkel
Everywhere – Fleetwood Mac
La Fille Avec Toi – Francoise Hardy
I’ll Be Your Mirror – The Velvet Underground
How Do You Feel – Jefferson Airplane
A Poem On The Underground Wall – Simon & Garfunkel
Get Off Of My Cloud – The Rolling Stones

 

I’ll try to remember to write soon.

As always,
Julia

she bangs the drums

 

I just got home from a long, forenoon walk with my dog in the oh so spring-y weather. We went the usual route through the neighborhood, down to and by the water, alongside the forest. It’s warm, sunny and breezy, I actually felt a bit sorry to my dog because she felt it to be a little too hot (she’s a bit unusual, she has her “winter coat” on in spring and  summer and sheds it in the winter when she actually needs it for some reason) and since she’s starting to get old the walk took twice as long as we had stop a lot so she could rest for a minute. Quite sad actually, I don’t want to think of her as old, since we all know what comes after old age.

Same with my maternal grandmother as well, its become very apparent now because she’s sold the house in which she and my grandfather when he was alive lived for a very long time, where my mother grew up, where I’ve grown up. She feels it’s too much for her, and she feels isolated. It’s quite upsetting really, because that was my favorite place to be, especially in the summer.
It’s a sweet villa built in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s by a family that cherished it a lot, and that planted a linden tree for every child they had, so there’s still four linden trees standing in bottom part of the garden, which moreover looks like a mix of a jungle and a beautiful English garden.
The house and garden is located in a slightly isolated area, with a large, living forest right behind it. My grandmother is a painter (as is my mother) and the house, garden and place where it is located is really a painter’s idyll. It is my idyll as well.
It’s a bit of a complicated situation, but I know she doesn’t want to move, it’s where she belongs; talking to the birds, the squirrels, the deers, all the busily buzzing bumblebees, the foxes, her cat. But she feels like she has to move.
What worries me as a likely scenario is that the buyer is going to look at the property in dollar signs (or “kronor”-signs hah) and run the house and garden down to sell the land. I truly hope it won’t happen, and that the buyer will cherish it as much as it has been by us, and the family that built and lived in it a hundred years ago. It’s a piece of history, and cultural heritage really. Aah, I hope it stays the same!

Anyway, I don’t have any lectures or seminars today or tomorrow, but instead have an essay to write, but I’m not too worried, it’s a rather short and simple one.

And I’ve been having slightly less melancholic episodes lately, I think the weather is helping, seeing nature taking a deep breath and blooming and all that. I’m also waiting patiently for some things I’ve ordered online to arrive, which should be pretty soon. You know I told you about my deep, eternal love for Miss Marple, right? And how I’ve got nowhere to watch it since the tv-subscription thing I watched it on earlier decided to pull it back? Well I solved it. I bought a dvd-set from Amazon that’s supposed to arrive in mid May with Geraldine McEwan as Miss Marple, as she is my favorite Marple!

Anyway #2, this is some songs suited for today’s weather:

Apple scruffs by George Harrison
You send me by Aretha Franklin
Sittin’ on a fence by The Rolling Stones
In love’s shadow by The Choir
Honey bones by Dope Lemon
Soleil by Francoise Hardy
How do you feel? by Jefferson Airplane
Jennifer juniper by Donovan
Tire swing by Kimya Dawson
Daydream by The Lovin’ Spoonful
Dancing in the street by The Mama’s and the Papa’s
Dream a little dream of me by Cass Elliott/The Mama’s and…
Time to pretend by MGMT
As tears go by by Nancy Sinatra
Hazy Jane (nr. 5) by Nick Drake
Learn how to fall by Paul Simon
Sittin’ on the dock of the bay by Otis Redding
She’s a rainbow by The Rolling Stones
She bangs the drums by The Stone Roses
Sugar town by Nancy Sinatra
Sweet thing by Van Morrison
4th time around by Bob Dylan
Oogum boogum song by Brenton Wood
My cherie amour by Stevie Wonder

I’m gonna go make some lunch now, and try keeping up my sunny mood.
I’ll try to remember to write soon.

As always,
Julia

maybe someday, i’ll share your little distant cloud

 

 

Aah it was such spring-weather today! Sunshine gently warming your cheeks, birds chirping in the trees, crocuses and other flowers of spring decorating the grass that is slowly recovering from the winter. I went on a long walk with my dog and the area where me and my dog walk around in is really very picturesque and the sunshine made the water glimmer and glitter and cooling breezes of ocean wind brushed through my hair. This sounds really corny. But really, it’s with nature I belong, on the shorelines, in the mountains and in the forests.

I’m currently home from uni because I’m supposed to be writing an essay that I’m supposed to turn in tomorrow, but me being the stupid procrastinator that I am I haven’t actually begun writing it. Even better, I realized about forty minutes ago that you’re supposed to take help from a book to write the essay, a book that I don’t have. Sooo I’m going to have to bullshit my way through this essay and hope no one notices (something that I have to admit is my only talent besides remembering random facts about the importance of pets for ancient roman families or something of a similar nature).

Mini playlist for my spring-y mood today:
Dream a little dream of me – The Mama’s and the Papa’s
You send me – Aretha Franklin
It ain’t me babe – Nancy Sinatra
Oogum boogum song – Brenton Wood (!)
Wonderin’ – The Squires
The 59th street bridge song (feelin’ groovy) – Simon & Garfunkel
Ode to the wind – Danny and the Counts
Share your love – Aretha Franklin
My cherie amour – Stevie Wonder (!)

Now I’m gonna enjoy my cup of tea and watch Poirot. My favorite is Miss Marple but they’ve removed the episodes from the tv subscription service from where I watched them before because the time limit they have for providing the series run out. I’m genuinely upset. Anyway..
I’ll write soon.

As always,
Julia

sun, sun, sun, here it comes

 

 

It’s already the end of March and soon the beginning of April, it’s gone by so quickly! Spring has started to blossom and now there’s crocuses everywhere, birds chirping in the trees and sunshine peeking through after what feels like an eternal sleep. Although, as of me writing this, it’s 2 degrees celsius and sleet (is this a correct translation? what I mean is snowy rain!). Typical swedish spring in other words! It alternates between sunshine and warmth and snow and coldness in a matter of days or in some cases even hours (!), and it can do so all the way through April. Very frustrating.

I’ve been feeling pretty ok the last couple of weeks, I think it’s the appearance of the sun and the reawakening of nature that helped me. When I go on walks with my dog around where I live I’m constantly stopping by crocuses and telling my dog to look at them! She either ignores me, tries to eat them or starts randomly barking at nothing to disrupt me because she finds it boring to stand still and wants to keep walking.

Something I’ve always pondered about from now and again is that I’ve always connected emotionally to music and songs sometimes in ways that would almost seem like I’ve experienced things in connection to them that I never actually have, like with some songs I get an overwhelming sense of nostalgia for something I’ve never experienced, odd isn’t it? Or is it common maybe? It could be because I’m a scorpio, since we along with water signs in general tend to be very empathetic and sensitive to emotional auras surrounding people and other creatures, it’s easy for us to connect on a deep emotional level with certain creative mediums, for scorpios it tends to be music.
I would consider myself a relatively rational or realistic person in many aspects but I do believe in astrology (in healthy measure!) and I find solace in it, and I’m really fascinated by it.

Here’s a mini spring-playlist of the songs that are most recently played in my music library!

Dream A Little Dream of Me – The Mama’s and the Papa’s
You Send Me – Aretha Franklin
Daydream – The Lovin’ Spoonful
Julia – The Beatles
The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy) – Simon & Garfunkel
Good Times (stereo ver.) – The Rolling Stones
Little Girl – The Illusions
Apple Scruffs – George Harrison
My Best Friend – Jefferson Airplane
Downtown – Marianne Faithfull
Blue Eyes – Don Partridge
On Se Plait – Françoise Hardy
Sweet Thing – Van Morrison

This was a really messy entry but that’s how my mind has been the last couple of days, but not a bad messy, just a light and airy messy! I’m going to go make some tea soon in time for The Great British Bake Off (I looooove that show!) and then read some before I go to sleep, I’ve been awfully tired these last couple of days.
I’ll try to remember to write soon.

As always,
Julia

the times they are a-changin’… too much

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Just recently, a day or two ago, I looked through my photos on my phone and computer and found these photos, dated from roughly 5 years ago til’ just a month or two ago, and I realized that while I’ve changed quite much both appearance wise and psychologically, I’ve also stayed virtually the same. Strange isn’t it? When I look at photos like the first one, that is from 5 years ago, I remember it so vividly, but yet it is so distant – like a dream that you can only remember bits and pieces from, but that you know happened.

What I can say is that I suit longer hair, haha. Will definitely not cut it for a long while.

I was only 14-15 in the first one or two photos, a baby! There was so much I didn’t know, and hadn’t experienced, but I feel I’m still that young, pondering, often times sad little 14 year old. She will always be in me, I think. I don’t really know why I’m so fascinated by this, the change and un-change times bring, I guess it’s a rather abstract yet unforgiving and matter-of-fact concept that I can’t really grasp.

Anyway, I don’t really have an aim with this entry, it’s rather pointless actually. Right now I’m sitting in my newly vacuumed room, listening to the Bryter Layter album by Nick Drake and looking at vintage prints and posters with botanical themes that I plan of framing and putting up in my room. I’ve found quite a few actually, but I can’t buy them all you know, for both practical and economical reasons… I should probably resume my botanical-print-search now.

As always,
Julia

i’ll be the wind, the rain and the sunset

 

It’s strange for me that it’s already March, I feel like everything is moving at a far too fast pace! I do want spring to come, but in a way these past two months has gone by like a whirlwind, even though I haven’t done too much. Strange.

My mood has gone up and down a lot recently and it’s been an awful lot at university and other things with me that have put me down and shifting me towards the bad path. I really miss my friends. I don’t get to meet them all too often since we live two hours away from each other but we always gather when it’s someones birthday (theres eight of us so it’s fairly often) or if we go out for dinner or go to the movies. We celebrated two birthdays just a week or two ago and it was as wonderful as it always is. We’re also planning on going to see the new Beauty and the Beast-movie soon so that I’m looking forward to, it was one of my favorite Disney-movies when I was a child, and now as well.
When I meet them after I’ve been feeling bad I’m filled with love and joy and I sometimes space out when we meet and just think about how much I love them and what beautiful people they are. I feel at home when I’m with them, like I belong somewhere. Now I miss them even more, but I’ll see them relatively soon so it’ll be ok.

Mood-playlist for the week:

America – Simon & Garfunkel
Lay lady lay – Bob Dylan
Goin’ back – The Byrds
April come she will – Simon & Garfunkel
Sleep on the left side – Cornershop
Femme fatale – The Velvet Underground & Nico
Marinade – Dope Lemon
心臓の扉 (Shinzo No Tobira) – Mariah
Fruit tree – Nick Drake
Golden brown – The Stranglers
A most peculiar man – Simon & Garfunkel
Which will – Nick Drake
Honey Bones – Dope Lemon
Your silent face – New Order
Asleep – The Smiths
I want to be alone – Vashti Bunyan
Strolling down the highway – Nick Drake
Satellite of love – Lou Reed

I’ll try to write soon.
As always,
Julia

lilacs in her hair

 

Here we go again with me totally forgetting that this blog exists.
It’s getting repetitive with me opening every entry on here with “oh my it’s been a while I forgot about this blog.. again”.

I can’t remember what I wrote in my previous entry but I’m sure it’s somewhere along the lines of me complaining about the grey, cold and wet weather, mentioning I’ve been on the low, telling you which songs I’ve been listening to recently etc etc.

I’ve been feeling a little bit better and today I’m actually in a great mood. I think something that helped was that I’ve been feeling slightly more organized recently, or that I’ve got things (somewhat) under control, and yesterday me and my mother took our weekly Tuesday-trip to a charity shop we love and I found some very exciting books! I found two art books, one with Gauguin and the other one with Toulouse-Lautrec (I have at least four art books with his works so I should probably refrain from buying another one), “After Dark” by Haruki Murakami, “Till Dig” (To You) a selection of poems by Karin Boye, and “Samlade Dikter” (Selected Poems) by Edith Södergran, my favorite poet! I’ve never seen books about or with her poems anywhere so I got a little lightheaded and had to hold on to a bookshelf so I didn’t fall onto anybody or knock something over in my fragile and aghast state.

Anyway since I feel pretty good today here’s a “good mood” playlist;

The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy) – Simon & Garfunkel (!)
Sugar Town – Nancy Sinatra
My Best Friend – Jefferson Airplane
One of These Things First – Nick Drake
(Song For My) Sugar Spun Sister – The Stone Roses
Blue Eyes – Don Partridge
Dancing In The Street – The Mama’s and the Papa’s
Il Est Tout Pour Moi – Françoise Hardy
Penny Lane – The Beatles
Simple Song – The Shins
Moi Je Joue – Brigitte Bardot
Cecilia – Simon & Garfunkel
Respect – Aretha Franklin
Not Fade Away – The Rolling Stones
Jamais – Sylvie Vartan
All I Want Is You – Barry Louis Polisar
Gimme some lovin’ – The Spencer Davies Group (!)

I should be reading up on ancient Roman painting now for a seminar tomorrow so this will be all!

As always,
Julia

 

 

golden honey eyes in a grey and cold time

 

Goodness it’s been a while (again..).
I forgot about this blog (again…) and I haven’t been all too cheery anyway and been laying quite low these last couple of weeks. January, especially, is a rather difficult month for me, it feels never ending and is grey, cold, wet and depressing. The only thing positive with this month is that my dogs birthday is on the 19th, but thats about it. And anyway, my mood is severely dependent on the weather and this time of year is usually rather grey and mellow for me.

But I do have some good news, me and my group of friends are going to a place in Croatia this summer! It’s something we’ve wanted and saved up for for a very long time, and I really do look forward to it. I long for honey golden sunshine, water gently washing your feet on the beach, bare legs and flowers and creatures of all kinds being alive and vibrant.

I started a new course in university as well – art history. So far it’s interesting, but unfortunately due to my dark mood the last couple of weeks, I haven’t been able to really enjoy it and be excited about it. Kinda sad.
I just recalled I have a seminar tomorrow.. Hm. I’ll have to read some on the subway to uni tomorrow morning!

As for music, I’ve discovered some new songs and listened to songs that have related with my mood for these last weeks. I’ll make a mini-playlist!

Fleur de lune – Françoise Hardy
So long, Marianne – Leonard Cohen
D.C.B.A – 25 – Jefferson Airplane
Feels like we only go backwards – Tame Impala
Come give me love – Ted Gärdestad
Going back – The Byrds
Apple scruffs – George Harrison
How do you feel? – Jefferson Airplane
Tuesday afternoon – The Moody Blues
Some velvet morning – Nancy Sinatra & Lee Hazlewood
Gimme some lovin’ – The Spencer Davis Group
Which will – Nick Drake
Heaven’s on fire – The Radio Dept.
Julia dream – Pink Floyd
Voila – Françoise Hardy

I’ll try to remember to write here more often.
As always,
Julia

 

 

 

 

i’m dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep

Let the morning time drop all it’s petals on me ..

Well, first of all – oh my goodness it’s already 2017. I don’t like new years eve or the ‘celebrating’-stuff because that day and all that it symbolizes quite frankly gives me anxiety (more than usual if you can believe that haha) and more than one existential crisis. I did go over (well, sat on public transport for almost two hours) to my friend’s house with my friend group and had a fun time but still – celebrating that yet another year has passed and you’re getting older is not something I like to do.
And besides, if I’m going to be honest, I didn’t think I’d make it this far.

It’s snowed like crazy here too, there hasn’t been any snow at all except from like a week sometime in November and now, two weeks after Christmas, it’s snowing. Could the snow not just have come some weeks earlier, for the sake of the Christmas spirit? My mother and I had to go grocery shopping today and we literally had to spend fifteen minutes trying to uncover what was supposed to be a car under the giant (GIANT) pile of snow that was on top of and around it. My workout for this month.

Oh and today I also got done with and turned in an essay for university that I’ve been working on for a month, so that feels nice. And I also picked up a package today that contained The Stone Roses debut album from 1989 that I’ve been planning on buying for like a year and finally got so I’m feeling pretty good for being me.

I don’t really know what I’m going to do with this blog, I still want to use it as a diary, but I also feel like I want to do something else on it, something like an album I’ve really enjoyed recently or a song of the day or something with poetry… we’ll see. I do have some albums that I’ve been listening to recently that helps with calming me down and making me float on warm, soft clouds and those I can mention. They are; Quelqu’un m’a dit (2002) by Carla Bruni, Colour Green (recordings from 1970 to 1973 but released 2006) by Sibylle Baier, Chopin: Complete Nocturnes (2010) by Brigitte Engerer, Di Doo Dah (1973) by Jane Birkin, Dreams (1968) by Gabor Szabo, Clinging to a Scheme (2010) by The Radio Dept, Some Things Just Stick In Your Mind (singles and demos from 1964 to 1967 collected and released in 2007) by Vashti Bunyan and Five Leaves Left (1969) by Nick Drake to name a few (with an emphasis on ‘a few’).

Don’t know what else to write. I’ll be here soon again I think, I need this space to write and try to untangle and clear my mind and thoughts. If anyone is reading this I just want to tell you that I’m so proud of you to have made it another year, quite proud of myself too to be honest.

As always,
Julia