Oh my, I haven’t written on here since august. I must have completely forgotten about this little safe space, as I do once in a while. It’s not that I haven’t had the need for it, I really have, but it’s as if it never existed in my mind. I read my last entry, and it seems like several forevers ago! Lots have changed, but in general it’s all still the same. Funny, isn’t it?
These photos are from two or three months ago – I apparently haven’t taken any photos of myself recently that I’ve decided were worth keeping. I don’t look drastically different, my fringe is slightly longer and I’m a bit more pale (if that’s even physically possible) with it having been autumn and now it being winter, and that is about all.
Since august I’ve begun a new course at university, literature, and am quite happy with it, since I do love reading and especially a lot of the classical novels, poetry, dramas etc. that are a part of the course. Although I do have to say that my true self lies with art, which I’ve decided (at least thats what my plan is at the moment) to major in.
I’ve also turned 20. It wasn’t something I looked forward to, at all actually, it rather frightened me, but I’ve come to accept that I do have to get older and can’t stay a teenager for the rest of my life. It’s just I walk through my life in a sort of floating and aimless way, and getting older becomes a little scary when you don’t have a plan or goal.
I haven’t been feeling bad as much as I do in the summertime, since autumn is the season in which I feel I truly belong in. I’ve been going for walks or looking out of the subway window admiring the season and feeling utmost full. I read Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights at the peak of autumn and felt even more full and vibrant, it’s one of my favorite books, I feel the atmosphere and darkness resonates with my soul. The windy, beautiful but merciless moors and all that. Now it’s snowing here, so autumn is over. What frightens me now is that everything is going to be good until christmas is over and then new years eve comes around, and then it’s january and february which feel like they last for eternities. It’s bleak, pointless sort of, it’s the second time of the year I feel the worst, usually. So that I’m dreading.
A playlist for the last couple of autumnal months (and the winter that has begun):
Lily Pond by Vashti Bunyan
Once I Was by Tim Buckley
Little Darlin’ by Benjamin Biolay
Trouble by Cat Stevens
Homesickness, pt 2 by Emahoy Tsegué-Maryam Guèbrou
Pense à Moi by France Gall
Suzanne by Francoise Hardy
Amelia by Joni Mitchell
Road by Nick Drake
El Condor Pasa by Simon & Garfunkel
How Soon Is Now by The Smiths
This Must Be the Place -by Talking Heads
I Want To Be Alone by Vashti Bunyan
Girlfriend In a Coma by The Smiths
Song To the Siren by Tim Buckley
And She Was by Talking Heads
Blues Run the Game by Jackson C. Frank
I Wonder by Sixto Rodriguez
Cemetery Gates by The Smiths
Lou by Coralie Clement
Golden Brown by The Stranglers
Fruit Tree by Nick Drake
Today by Jefferson Airplane
I’ll Be Your Mirror by The Velvet Underground
I will write again soon.